Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
