I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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