Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
