When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
