the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
where does the pee come out of this thing
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
