I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
