I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
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