i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
