what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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