i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Randomize
