oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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