he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
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