It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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