Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
