So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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