a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Where are you???
With some dude on the way to his house to blaze
You went back to a stranger's house????
He isn't a stranger...he used to be on kids, inc.
I love LA.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
