What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
not ubering you a puppy
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
