Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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