I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
