I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
