you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Randomize
