just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
