She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Enjoy the penises
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
