My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
