i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
My bed is full of blood and feathers
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
