he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
he was CRYING into my vagina
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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