and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Randomize
