She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I don't deserve a penis
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
