I think I won the penis lottery.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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