in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
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