got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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