you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize
