I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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