if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
