just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
