I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
