im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
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