I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
