My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
