How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Randomize
