he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Randomize
