Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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