I feel like abortions should bother me more
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
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