The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
