batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
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