i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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