I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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