I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
