I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
