does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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