mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
I had to cum in my sink.
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